Thursday 31 March 2016

The Brute

Yesterday the phone rang as I was trying to use the bathroom. It happens. First world problems.

On the best of days, at the best of times, I do not enjoy talking on the telephone. This last month has been alternating doses of heart-breaking, enraging and depressing – what with two year olds drowning in creeks, bombs going off in Brussels, Donald Trump getting votes and all. I guess I'm in a bit of a *mood*.

Me: Hello?

Steve: Hello, Ma'am. (Very enthusiastic) This is Steve Lloyd calling from the Headquarters of your Visa-Mastercard. I want to talk to you about reducing your interest rates!

Me: (pause) My Visa-Mastercard? That doesn't even make sense.

Steve: (pause) Yes, Ma'am. I am calling about your Visa... Mastercard! I want to talk to you about reducing your very high interests rates.

Me: But that doesn't even make sense. There is no such thing as a Visa-Mastercard. Why, I do declare, Steve Lloyd, I believe you are trying to SCAM me.

Steve: (laugh) No, I am not trying to SCAM you.

Me: (laugh) Yes, you are. You're trying to scam me. You are trying to steal my money. Steve Lloyd, are you by any chance calling me from India??

Steve: (pause) No, I am not calling you from India.

Me: You are. You are calling me from India. You are lying to me and trying to scam me.

Steve: You think I am trying to scam you? No, I am not trying to scam you.

Me: You are. You know you are. There is no such thing as a Visa-Mastercard. And you know what? Shame on you.

Steve: Look, I am not trying to SCAM you. You know, you are a real b*tch.

Me: (pause) What did you call me? Did you just call me a b*tch? Ok, that is not nice at all. First you try to steal my money, and now you are calling me names? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Steve: Oh really. I should be ashamed. You know... you... are a joke to your father.

Me: I am a joke to my father?! Yes... yes, I guess I do make my dad laugh. How about you? Do you make your father happy? Is he pleased with you? Do you make your father proud, Steve Lloyd?

Steve: Ok, don't make this personal!

Me: I'm not making this personal, you are making this personal. First, you try to steal my money, then you call me names and now you tell me that I am a joke to my father. You are making it personal. And you know what, Steve Lloyd? Not everyone is as smart as me. You are purposely preying on vulnerable people, and that is just not right. But I tell you what. It's ok. I am going to pray for you. I am going to pray for you, that you would come to repentance. Because I think that life must be very difficult for you, if this is how you have to make your living. Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray for you.

Steve: (laughing) Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

Me: Yes, exactly. Pray.

Steve: (Steve is angry now) Wow. Oh. Oh, you just hate Indians! You just said all you Indians are evil and bad!

Me: What are you even talking about?! I never said that. I do not hate Indians. I have friends in India. I have dear friends, that I love, who are Indian, who live in India!

Steve: (long pause) I figured it out. You know what you are? You are a chootie.

Me: I'm a chootie? What's a chootie? Are you swearing at me again? That's not even a word in English.

Steve: Yes, chootie. C-H-O-O-T-I-E. Chootie.

Me: Chootie is not a word.

Steve: It means you are.. a good person. You know what? I want to kiss you.

Me: You want to what?! You want to kiss me? That's just gross.

Steve: I want to kiss you. Yes. Give me your email address.

Me: I am not going to give you my email address.

Steve: Do you like Tom Cruise?

Me: Ok, what? I don't know what you're saying. Do I like Tom Cruise? No, no I don't. I hate Tom Cruise.

Steve: I hate Tom Cruise.

Me: See? Well, we have that in common.

Steve: What about Cristano Ronaldo? Do you like Cristano Ronaldo?

Me: What? Ronaldo? I don't know what you're saying.

Steve: (sounding a little frantic) I want to kiss you. I want to marry you! Please, give me your email address. I want your skype address!

Me: Now you want to marry me? You're trying to steal my money, you call me names, and now you want to kiss me and marry me. 

Steve: Yes, I want you to forgive me. Would you forgive me? 

Me: Yes, I forgive you.

Steve: I want you to marry me.

Me: That's just inappropriate. That is so inappropriate.

Steve: I love you.

(click) The sound of my ten year-old hanging up the phone.


Afterwards, my daughter said that the phone conversation reminded her of Anton Chekhov's play, “The Brute”. And you know, she is completely right. Apparently you CAN make this stuff up, and it goes into high school textbooks.

**Update**

Apparently my friend, Steve Lloyd, has been on his business venture for a few years. I am praying for him. If he happens to call your home, you can tell him that. xo



1 comment:

  1. Hi Tammie,
    I'm glad that you reposted the link to your blog....unfortunately for me, it had gotten un-bookmarked & I'd lost track of it & wasn't even sure you were still doing it....however, I just read this & it reminded me: You're Awesome! I totally would have said "you're not calling me about my credit card" & hung up on him...you inspire me by reminding us to pray for him (& his like)....while you're at it, you can pray for me,too. feeling discouraged over here. <3 u

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