Yesterday the phone rang as I was
trying to use the bathroom. It happens. First world problems.
On the
best of days, at the best of times, I do not enjoy talking on the
telephone. This last month has been alternating doses of
heart-breaking, enraging and depressing – what with two year olds
drowning in creeks, bombs going off in Brussels, Donald Trump getting
votes and all. I guess I'm in a bit of a *mood*.
Me: Hello?
Steve: Hello, Ma'am. (Very
enthusiastic) This is Steve Lloyd calling from the Headquarters
of your Visa-Mastercard. I want to talk to you about reducing your
interest rates!
Me: (pause) My Visa-Mastercard?
That doesn't even make sense.
Steve: (pause) Yes, Ma'am. I am
calling about your Visa... Mastercard! I want to talk to you about
reducing your very high interests rates.
Me: But that doesn't even make sense.
There is no such thing as a Visa-Mastercard.
Why, I
do declare, Steve Lloyd, I believe you are trying to SCAM me.
Steve: (laugh) No, I am not
trying to SCAM you.
Me: (laugh) Yes, you are. You're
trying to scam me. You are trying to steal my money. Steve Lloyd, are
you by any chance calling me from India??
Steve: (pause) No, I am not
calling you from India.
Me: You are. You are calling me from
India. You are lying to me and trying to scam me.
Steve: You think I am trying to scam
you? No, I am not trying to scam you.
Me: You are. You know you are. There is
no such thing as a Visa-Mastercard. And you know what? Shame
on you.
Steve: Look, I am not trying to SCAM
you. You know, you are a real b*tch.
Me: (pause) What did you call
me? Did you just call me a b*tch? Ok, that is not nice at all.
First you try to steal my money, and now you are calling me names?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Steve: Oh really. I should be
ashamed. You know... you... are a joke to your father.
Me: I am a joke to my father?!
Yes... yes, I guess I do make my dad laugh. How about you? Do you
make your father happy? Is he pleased with you? Do you make your father
proud, Steve Lloyd?
Steve: Ok, don't make this personal!
Me: I'm not making this
personal, you are making this personal. First, you try to
steal my money, then you call me names and now you tell me that I am
a joke to my father. You are making it personal. And you know
what, Steve Lloyd? Not everyone is as smart as me. You are purposely preying on vulnerable people, and that is just not right. But I tell
you what. It's ok. I am going to pray for you. I am going to pray for you,
that you would come to repentance. Because I think that life must be
very difficult for you, if this is how you have to make your living.
Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray for you.
Steve: (laughing) Oh my god. Oh.
My. God.
Me: Yes, exactly. Pray.
Steve: (Steve is angry now) Wow.
Oh. Oh, you just hate Indians! You just said all you
Indians are evil and bad!
Me: What are you even talking about?! I
never said that. I do not hate Indians. I have friends
in India. I have dear friends, that I love, who are Indian, who live
in India!
Steve: (long pause) I figured it
out. You know what you are? You are a chootie.
Me: I'm a chootie? What's a
chootie? Are you swearing at me again? That's not even a word
in English.
Steve: Yes, chootie. C-H-O-O-T-I-E.
Chootie.
Me: Chootie is
not a word.
Steve: It means you are.. a good
person. You know what? I want to kiss you.
Me: You want to what?! You want to kiss
me? That's just gross.
Steve: I want to kiss you. Yes. Give me
your email address.
Me: I am not going to give you my email
address.
Steve: Do you like Tom Cruise?
Me: Ok, what? I don't know what you're
saying. Do I like Tom Cruise? No, no I don't. I hate Tom Cruise.
Steve: I hate Tom Cruise.
Me: See? Well, we have that in common.
Steve: What about Cristano Ronaldo? Do
you like Cristano Ronaldo?
Me: What? Ronaldo? I don't know what
you're saying.
Steve: (sounding a little frantic)
I want to kiss you. I want to marry you! Please, give me your email
address. I want your skype address!
Me: Now you want to marry me?
You're trying to steal my money, you call me names, and now you
want to kiss me and marry me.
Steve: Yes, I want you to forgive me. Would you forgive me?
Me: Yes, I forgive you.
Steve: I want you to marry me.
Me: That's just inappropriate. That is so
inappropriate.
Steve: I love you.
(click) The sound of my ten year-old
hanging up the phone.
Afterwards, my
daughter said that the phone conversation reminded her of Anton
Chekhov's play, “The Brute”. And you know, she is completely right. Apparently you CAN make this stuff up, and it goes into high school textbooks.
**Update**
Apparently my friend, Steve Lloyd, has been on his business venture for a few years. I am praying for him. If he happens to call your home, you can tell him that. xo
**Update**
Apparently my friend, Steve Lloyd, has been on his business venture for a few years. I am praying for him. If he happens to call your home, you can tell him that. xo
Hi Tammie,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you reposted the link to your blog....unfortunately for me, it had gotten un-bookmarked & I'd lost track of it & wasn't even sure you were still doing it....however, I just read this & it reminded me: You're Awesome! I totally would have said "you're not calling me about my credit card" & hung up on him...you inspire me by reminding us to pray for him (& his like)....while you're at it, you can pray for me,too. feeling discouraged over here. <3 u